Apples are not the only fruit !

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

Don’t know if Dickens was writing about the state of the job at the moment !!

Despite the recent heavy cutbacks, both nationally and locally, within the whole public sector sphere, money was found to replace some of the more ancient workstations within the department.

It was decided, instead of buying tried and tested Windows-based workstations which actually run the forensic software we have in the office, to purchase some Apple Mac Pro workstations, which cost considerably more.

The order was placed, and a couple of weeks later the new kids on the block arrived, with their annoyingly clinical aluminium cases and complete lack of any noise.

Problem was that the machines had been ordered with an Apple RAID card. The more IT astute amongst you will already know where this is going, but I will continue.

It seems that if you want to dual-boot a Mac Pro into Windows, you can’t do it with the Apple RAID card installed, it just won’t work. In a normal computer (PC) you could merely pull out the raid card. But not so in a Mac – it is cunningly “built-in”.

Phone calls were made to Apple, and eventually somebody on their Enterprise team actually confirmed that “If you want to dual-boot you can’t have a RAID card installed, and had you spoken to us in the first place we could have told you that!” in their smug Cupertinoian way.

So, there we were, stuck with two Apples   Lemons – they were great as workstations footrests, or paperweights, but not as Forensic Workstations.

One of the team had an idea – he spoke to one of the geniuses* at local Apple store, who told them to bring the machines in so that the invisible RAID card could be removed (for the fiscally minded reader, an Apple RAID card costs approximately £500, despite being completely invisible, but they were going to be ripped out and left to gather dust on a shelf).

So the shiny Apples were packed back into their boxes and driven to the local Apple store. A while later they returned – but this time there was no frantic unpacking of boxes, no ripping out of computers to be set up and unleashed onto our network or suspects data.

It seems that, despite their so-called genius status, the pimply faced oiks at the Apple Store could not remedy the problem, as the computers were purchased from the Apple Web store, and they could not work on them!

Fortunately, Apple provide a 14-day, no-quibble warranty, so even if you don’t like something as silly as the colour of the case, you can send it back, no questions asked, so that’s what happened. The phone call was made, RMA’s were issued, and a courier was sorted out to collect the boxes.

One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch....

And that was it – the Apples Lemons had gone!

Apparently, new ones are being ordered, this time without the RAID card, but the boyish enthusiasm seems to have disappeared from the office.

*The term Apple Genius is their own invention – they even advertise them as such.

* You may also notice I have used the word RAID several times, all in upper-case. This is not a typo, but a form of computer tourettes ! (Well if it’s good enough for the PM to use the word, so can I).

[Footnote]

The new new Apples have arrived – one is working – the other is not (although that is more likely to be a PICNIC error).

There now comes the problem of connecting them to the office fibre network…..and guess what….they don’t have fibre connectivity, and Apple fibre cards are £500 to buy. Doh!

….signed by the DCC,  in which he assures us me that there will be no job in this organisation for the Faintingchicken.

Well, it has finally arrived. My final letter.

I was served my first A19 letter in November 2011, telling me that I was going to be A19′d, and that I had a right to appeal, which I didn’t – couldn’t see the point in delaying the inevitable.

The second one has arrived today. You sort of get the feel of where you are within the pecking order when it is delivered to you  by one of the lads from personnel (or HR as they like to be called these days). My first letter was personally delivered by my gaffer.

Rather strangely it has taken 14 days to get from the dream factory Headquarters – it’s a pity that bad news doesn’t travel this fast as well !!

The letter goes through the whys and wherefores behind the application of Regulation A19, and how I still have a right of appeal through the Police Authority – I have got 7 days !!

It also tells me that I will shortly be receiving a retirement pack for me to commence my preparation for retirement, but as I only have 11 days left in the office it’s a bit late me thinks.

I am also reassured in the knowledge that I have at my disposal the full facilities of the “Careers Centre” and additional support from the Force’s People Advice and Liaison Manager.

Having received a scarf, some slippers and a flat cap off my lovely children at Christmas, I must assume that my future is pretty well mapped out. I have also joined NARPO, so I basically get a monthly newsletter telling me who’s stopped drawing their pension!

Just remember, if you do decide to visit me at the OAP home bring SOFT biscuits – hard ones cause havoc with my false teeth!

Gotta go now, got to get down to the Job Club to see if there is anything available for “the more mature” job applicant. It seems that being old at work is the new being young!

How would you like your paint? Shaken or Shaken?

Given all my computer and forensics skills I might aim at the home computer market, maybe PC World, or that new one, Best Buy.

Enough of my whining – here is a thought for today:

As the man said: “Goodbye, and good luck!”

Some of my more eagle-eyed readers might have noticed that it’s got a bit thin on the Fainting Chicken blogging pages.

There is a reason for this, but this is not the time and place to go into that.

I have been forced into an unassuming disguise (hence the picture !!)

There will be, however, a new and improved service on or after the 25th February 2012, once the A19 has kicked in.

Just remember – the eye of the chicken, even a fainting chicken, misses nothing!!

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IGhhcyBiZWNvbWUgYSAiYml0IHRoaW4iIG9uIHRoZSBGYWludGluZyBDaGlja2

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* Doing it in binary would have been too easy…..PM me if you see it !!

The government, then the press, and finally, good old Joe Public has now found their patsy – the Public Sector workers. They are, should you wish to believe in such things, the Lee Harvey Oswald of this particular set piece.

With the recent strikes it was quite obvious that the government was not going to stand for any messing, so used it’s media megaphone, sorry I mean the BBC, to try and stir up public hatred for the strike. Sky News and ITN, who are always playing “wanna-be-as-good-as-the-BBC”, were also quickly drawn onto the “blame the public sector” bandwagon. The problem is that when they went onto the streets for some “vox-pop” all they got was some nice middle class people, who would be a little put out by the strike, but in all fairness were generally in support of “Public Sector Man” and the reasons behind him wanting to strike.

Now before I hear somebody shout “Oy! Fainting Chicken – aren’t you getting a fat pension and a huge gold plated handout soon?”, then I would like to say yes to the word “pension”, but wriggle mercilessly out of the words “fat”, and “huge gold plated handout”. But there is no golden parachute, no bonus – just a lump sum that will  cover my mortgage and 2/3 of my current salary. I will be just short of being fifty when I am “constructively retired” at the beginning of 2012. I am, so Mrs Fainting Chicken says; “not sitting around the house all day when you’ve retired”, and given that I have two adult children still in education, I will still need some form of income stream.

Anyway, back to the plot……

In the backwash of all the hew-ha surrounding the comments made by the comedic petrol-head Jeremy “Always On Transmit” Clarkson on the BBC “One Show” the other Wednesday night (see here) I thought that I would pitch in with some thoughts from the wildly obtuse mind of the never-elected Faintingchicken Government.

I realise that everybody is up in arms about the raising of the state pension age to 67, but what if we looked at it a different way? What if we lowered the minimum working age, so that people start working at twelve. I know that the unions would probably be miffed at this suggestion, and that William Wilberforce would probably start spinning in his grave, but hear me out.

We could team up young and old public sector workers, so at least the ambulance that turned up to your emergency would not be staffed by two has-been pensioners, but a happy mixture of youth and experience. Everywhere you look there will be that chirpy look of youthfulness – the police, the fire service, council workers – their cherubic little faces, happy in their public sector toil, and just behind them would be the curmudgeonly face of some geriatric co-worker, keeping a watchful eye, and ready to land them one with their walking stick if they get out of line. The whole working time-line would shift downwards so that you could still up-sticks at 65 – the down side to this being that you start working at 12.

Barry celebrates his 20th year at the council with his co-workers.

So that’s part one of my manifesto done – next week – the world economic crisis, and after lunch, world peace.

Wonder if Gordon Brown wants a job – I could do with somebody for the angry mob to throw stuff at……